I wanted to post and I didn't know what to post about and from time to time I suppose its good to post about something that's closer to home, rather than shoving pretty things in your face all the time, because life isn't pretty all the time......
Not many people tend to touch on the subject of domestic violence as it can be upsetting as well as something you would rather forget, but today I think its time I spoke about a chapter in my life so that I can close it once and for all and hopefully help anyone else out there that might have been or is in a situation like I was.
Many of you may look at my tweets or look at my pictures on Instagram and think that im just a bubbly and happy person, well I am probably as happy as I'm going to be for the moment but I wasn't always like that.
Nearly 3 years ago now, I broke off a 9 year relationship with the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Not because he didn't pick his boxers up off the floor, or because he would forget to wash up after himself from time to time but because he hit me.......
You know when you reminisce about amazing moments you might of had in your life and in that second you can picture everything, down to the clothes you were wearing. Well I can picture the first time he hit me like it was yesterday. I was only 18 at the time, and the reason he felt like he could slap me across my face was because a friend of mine had used a boys phone to call me, and the boy had called me back because he didn't know she had used his phone and didn't recognise the number. The first time I was shocked, my own mother had never even slapped me! ( well apart from the occasion ass tap when I was a kid ), I kind of just walked into our bedroom and shut the door. You can probably guess what happened 20 minutes later..... oh of course he said he was sorry, and that he wouldn't do it again. Being a young girl in love of course I believed him.
Fast forward a few weeks, a few months a few years.... kept on hitting me but things got worse, but by this time he added verbal abuse into the mist, calling me things like fat and ugly, wishing rape upon me whenever I would go to work. By the time I was 20, I couldn't look 'up' in public if I was with him, because if a guy walked past me, I would be accused of looking at them....even if they looked like an extra from gremlins!
For a good chunk of time I kept quiet. Then eventually I started to confined in my friends and family. Of course when my mum found out she went BURZUURRRK!
There were times when I listened to the people that loved me, which gave me strength to leave him and there were time when I listened to the one person that was supposed to love me, I listened to him say sorry, I listened to him cry and tell me over and over he would never do it again, I listened too much. It was almost like I was sleeping through this nightmare and I couldn't wake up.
But there was this one day, I was about 22. He dragged me by the hair and threw me on the bed, he then wrapped his hands around my neck and just kept squeezing and squeezing, its like the moment I couldn't breath was the moment I woke up. I managed to get free by digging my nails into his arms and and screaming loud enough for him to leave my house. It shouldn't have taken him to wrap his hands around my neck for me to realise he could potentially kill me one day. The countless times I called police and never pressed charges and the times I cried to my friends and family then took him back, are times I wish I could go back to and change.
If anyone saw us out in public you would think we were the perfect couple, truth is I was in love with a monster, someone that would take his problems out on me whether it was verbal or physical, just to make himself feel better. There are people in the world that have probably gone through so much more than I have, but suffering for 7years out of 9 was something I should have never settled for.
No matter how old you are, please don't sit down and suffer in silence. Listen to your loved ones, because its people on the outside that often see what's best for you.
3 years on and so much has changed, I'm in a happy place now, Id go as far as to say its amazing! I have someone that really loves me, someone that calls me beautiful every single day, someone that never wants to see me cry, someone that's there for me when ever I need him. This is what we all deserve, you only have one life, don't waste it on people that do nothing but abuse it.
Silence hides Violence... don't keep quiet.
This is probably one of the hardest things I have ever written, and even though I haven't gone into extensive depth, I hope it helps someone or shines some light on the subject in hand.
Thank you for reading